


Near-Vetinari Experience

by Vector



Category: Discworld
Genre: Community: springkink, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-30
Updated: 2007-07-30
Packaged: 2017-10-02 16:09:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vector/pseuds/Vector
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem was that Death was too straightforward. Vetinari was used to thinking in twists, loops, and three steps ahead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Near-Vetinari Experience

Vetinari had analyzed his situation within a few minutes of coming to, and he had quickly arrived at the conclusion that his predicament was unfortunate, but, it seemed, not immediately escapable.

When the dark cloaked figure appeared in the corner, though, he reevaluated.

The chamber he was in was small and square, and the walls were all smooth stone as they stretched above him. The ceiling hung somewhere dozens of feet above, with small holes bored in the stone to let light through. It gleamed with evil looking metal and descended by the minute.

...Slowly. As he watched it inched down a bit, little enough that it would be hard to tell it had moved but for the fact that it now almost covered the gap in the wall he'd fallen through. If it performed like Leonard's scale models, it would continue to do so until he was sliced and crushed thoroughly several hours from now.

He turned again to the figure in the corner, who was unmistakably Death.

"I'm not going to die of a tragic stroke while I'm waiting here, am I? I admit I'd find that somewhat distasteful."

Death shook its hooded head. NO, it said, its voice full of odd resonances and yet strangely flat in this echo-chamber room. YOU ARE NEAR DEATH, BUT YOU MAY NOT DIE AT ALL. I AM HERE... IN CASE.

"Excellent. Glad to know all possible outcomes are being considered," Vetinari sighed. He watched the ceiling for another few moments. He could hear faintly the sound of clockwork, metal on metal. "Near death, though? It seems rather far, still."

Death turned its head questioningly. I AM RIGHT HERE, it said slowly.

It took Vetinari a beat to reorient himself to that statement.

"Oh, surely. It is merely that I believed near-death experiences to be a bit more... dramatic? Lethal injury, brink of nothingness, rescue at the the last moment before you know what's happening? That _is _the standard, correct?"

THE TIME INVOLVED IS NOT RELEVANT. Death responded. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THE SAME NOW AS THEY WILL BE AT YOUR LAST MOMENT. THE CEILING MAY CRUSH YOU. IT MAY NOT.

"Certainly _I_ know that," Vetinari snapped, a bit irritated at the unambiguous use of _will be_. "But—"

THAT IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT, Death broke in, then settled back against the wall.

In the silence that followed he heard the scratching of stone as the ceiling descended another few inches.

"Still, you no doubt have other things to attend to," tried Vetinari, falling into a familiar pattern. "Do not let me—"

I HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO. IT IS BEING DONE.

There wasn't much to say to that, so Vetinari leaned back in silence as he contemplated what it would be like to be everywhere. He had the use of one body and what he could convince others to do. While those two things had gotten him farther than most people could even think, the first clearly had its drawbacks, and the latter was unreliable at times. Though there was always Vimes.

"I will have missed my meeting with Commander Vimes by now," he announced eventually, more for lack of anything else to do than any possible effect it would have on his companion. "No doubt he is investigating as I speak."

PROBABLY HE WILL CONTINUE WHILE YOU ARE SILENT AS WELL, Death said, and while it was something that Vetinari would say he strangely suspected that Death meant it in all earnestness. VIMES IS A RESOURCEFUL MAN.

Ah. Of course Vimes had encountered Death. Silly to think otherwise, really.

BUT YOU ARE NOT CERTAIN HE WILL SAVE YOU, the dark figure added, and Vetinari reminded himself that there was little point in arguing with Death. Not about his faith in Vimes, and certainly not about his need for rescuing.

Vetinari was quiet after that, though to his vague dismay the other figure didn't seem discomfited by his stoic silence. He supposed it was hard to spite Death, as well.

When the ceiling had descended far enough that standing up would have been a worrying prospect, there was a different-sounding metallic sound above him, and Vetinari glanced upwards. Shortly afterwards there came a voice.

"Sir? Are you in there?"

"Vimes. You're late," Vetinari called back smoothly. He allowed a smile to curve his lips since, after all, no one could see. Then he glanced sharply to the other corner, but Death was gone.

"Ah, well, next time you're somewhere in the palace and you fall down a shaft with a strange mashing... thing... I will attempt to be more punctual. Sir." Vimes yelled back.

"Do that." Vetinari said.

"Anyway, we—no! Don't touch that!—We've managed to reverse the ceiling, er, apparatus, but it won't go up any faster than it was going down. Detritus might be able to lift it, but it looks pretty complicated. It might be safer to just wait, sir."

"Oh, take your time. I am quite comfortable." Which he was, now that he wasn't sharing the small space with Death itself. Lack of conversation was the least of his troubles. He stared at the blank wall beyond where Death had reclined.

Then again. "Do you think you could get Drumknott in to take dictation?"


End file.
